I am a relationship n00b.
Even though I've been in previous relationships I feel like I am a noob. So I'm here to learn from other people's experiences as well as share my own. I hope that those who view this gain a better understanding of what's happening in their own relationships because everyone deserves happiness.
She decided to break up with me on the day of our one year anniversary. There are several reasons that brought this on. I'm not sure what the true reason is, but this is what I can gather from talking it out with her:
1. She became too busy with school and work that she didn't want to take time for the relationship.
2. During our relationship, she noticed that there were times when it seemed like I loved her much more than she loved me based on my actions (such as how I wanted to take care of her and the lengths I would go to make her happy).
3. She feels like she's not adaptable with anyone in a relationship. So it's not just with me.
4. She feels like she doesn't deserve me because she knows that I treat her much better than she treats me. She acknowledges how she treats me badly. She claims that if she were truly in love with me she wouldn't have always tried to fight with me.
5. She was using an excuse about how I yelled at her a month ago that brought on this "falling out of love" with me. I'm not sure how valid this is because she's yelled at me 10+ times in our relationship and said many more cruel words to me. I forgave her and let it go.
6. She didn't want me to do things if she was the reason I was doing it. I wanted to move abroad permanently to be in a relationship (which I thought technically was for my own sake, but I guess since she is the other person in the relationship it's about her too..).
7. She felt a lot of pressure from me. This might relate to #6 because if I had moved abroad, she would have felt responsible for me if we had broken up. She would have felt a lot of stress and guilt. I don't think she handles stress that well.
She knows how much she's hurt me and she actually apologized which is rare for her. I cried like crazy when she wanted to break up. It didn't seem like she was sad at all about the break up. I learned that the reason for this is because we are still talking to each other. After we broke up, she said that she and I could still act as if we were still in a relationship until another girl comes into my life. I had a personal value of never keeping in touch with exes because I didn't want my future gf/wife to get paranoid or worried. I explained to her that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I think she genuinely doesn't want to have a partner during this time in her life because she has more important things to deal with such as focusing on her future career goals.
So for now, we will continue to speak as "fake lovers" so to speak. Part of me is holding onto hope even though she probably isn't thinking too much about whether or not we will be in a relationship again. I'm not sure how healthy this is for me, but I'm willing to see where this goes because it is a unique experience that I have never gone through before. I've never tried to be friends (or "fake lovers") with an ex before. The only fear that I have is being used by her. I would still be vulnerable to her if I acted as if I were stll in a relationship with her.
I have heard from some of my female friends in the past about how they didn't want to be in a relationship with someone that was right for them. One of them was dating someone who knew everything about them and took care of them so well, but she still broke up with him because she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. Another one just didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship just because she didn't want to get tied down. The guy also treated her well too.
The only thing that I can do for now is figure out what my personal goals are that I need to achieve that are independent of other people. Yup. That's a good start.
Ha. It appears nobody reads this anymore since I have neglected to continue writing in this on a consistent basis.
As of late, the basis of my life decisions have been because of HER. I want to move to Asia permanently to be with her. Technically it's my own motivation to be with her since I know for a fact that being in a relationship is all I have ever wanted. I haven't dated much and that's probably why I've fought so hard to make this relationship work. Right now she's busy with a lot of her own work and academic activities so it's hard to find a time when we can both talk. We both know that each of us has our own life/future/planning productive things to do.
I have been doing some thinking lately about how it would be like if I didn't have a partner. Would I still want to go live abroad to teach English? Perhaps. It's what I wanted prior to graduating college. But now I'm seeing a lot of my friends from college moving towards graduate school or starting a career. I feel like I'm left behind. The naive thought would be "having a girlfriend will make everything better" but that isn't true. I need to take care of myself and make sure my own needs are met independently from her.
I was reflecting upon how it was when I was single for four years before I entered this relationship. I found my source of motivation through a few good friends. When they weren't available I found inspiration from quotes and useful advice I would read from blogs. So it would seem that I need to return to the basics of taking care of myself and I did just that. There's plenty of things on my to do list that needs to get done. Realistically, I can't always listen to my feelings no matter how difficult it is not to give in. I have to do what is necessary to ensure my own survival and hopefully in the future my survival plus one or more (a wifey and kids?).
I think it's always good to go back to the basics if you're lost. Regain some focus and discipline. Figure out what's really important. And do your best to accomplish the goal(s).
So here's the jist of what happened to me the past few months:
- Went to Asia to be with the GF for a couple months... Some stupid fights in between - Realized I needed to come back to the US to take care of my own life stuff - LDRing it with the GF again - Still trying to figure out my life
Her mom found out that she's dating a foreigner and said that I need to prove that I can take care of her. It's most likely that I will have to move to Asia if I see this relationship lasting foreverish. I'm willing to make a permanent move outside of the country. But how does that go along with my own plans?
I'm not sure.
Right now I'm narrowing down my career options so that hopefully I can go to graduate school and be successful in... something. I know that if you go to graduate school, you have to be passionate and really want to study whatever you study. I am also wondering how that will go along with having this relationship. I have to be able to support her. I feel like I have to gain some US experience that will be transferable to something I could do if I move to Asia. The only thing I can think of is ESL teaching.
Friends have told me that I should pursue what I want to pursue regardless of anybody else. I have some friends that have experienced how it's like to live solely through their partner and regretted not focusing enough on their life. I should probably learn from their mistakes although I have never been in a year or longer relationship so far. The only thing I know for certain is that I have always wanted a relationship with someone. I need to have that similar type of want for graduate school if I continue my education. It's such a pain trying to figure it all out.
I'm currently in Asia with my girlfriend that I have often talked about in this blog. I've been here for about a month and a half. It took us about a month to adjust to being into a close distance relationship as opposed to our long distance relationship in which we used webcam chat to keep in touch. I think we were both too used to having our freedom that it took us a while to adjust to being in close proximity with each other. There was also culture differences that we had to adapt to. I am handicapped here because I am not familiar with the area and I am not fluent in speaking or reading the native language. I have to greatly depend on my girlfriend to help me out which has taken a toll on her as well. She has school and her own life to deal with and now she has me on top of her responsibilities.
During the first month we had huge fights every two weeks. She acted immaturely and childishly when I tried to calmly talk to her to figure out the situation to fix it. There was one week when I couldn't take her bratty behavior and wanted to break up with her which further upset her. At that time I felt as if I reached my limit of dealing with her immaturity. Upon further research, I realized that how she acted was normal in her culture. The females in her culture act around 10 years younger than their current again. They can act cute and sweet in public, but transform to a raging monster in private. It's kind of scary. I guess that means I should man up some more huh? Ha. She's not always an angry person in private. We do enjoy ourselves. Soberly, too, which is pretty awesome. We feel like kids again.
One morning I woke up with a skin disease which resulted from stress, frustration, and anxiety (verified from a doctor and feeling better now after taking meds). I'm pretty sure that the gf partially caused it. I had a friend tell me that every time my girlfriend call me I looked very anxious. That was because I was afraid I might say something wrong and make her mad. All the stupid fights and blame on me definitely contributed to the skin disease..
I've sought counsel from close friends. Some of them tell me that I don't deserve to put up with the stuff my girlfriend puts me through. My side of this is that it was difficult enough for me to even get into a relationship especially with my "nice guy" label. Part of me feels like having this opportunity to be in a relationship is one of those very rare opportunities in life. It begs the question whether it's really worth hanging onto a (somewhat?) unhealthy relationship or be miserably alone.
I'm heading back to the states in a couple weeks because I couldn't find a job around here. Plus it's better for her if I'm gone because she has work, a leadership role, and her last year of school which she needs to hardcore focus on. We won't permanently be an LDR. An internet marriage would be riduclous.
My girlfriend wants to see a picture of my first and only ex-girlfriend. Initially I thought it was no big deal. I wanted to show her when I was in person with her in Asia. But then through other interactions with it, she appeared to be sad if I mentioned anything about my ex. I realized that it might be okay not to discuss exes in some relationships.
So here I am in Asia now. She and I are currently living together and it's been fine for the most part. Today she brought up the thing about wanting to see a picture of my ex. I told her that I didn't want to anymore. There's no sense in getting sad from partners of the past who don't matter anymore. Especially since I no longer speak and no longer want to have anything to do with my ex. My girlfriend still insisted to see a picture of my ex.
There are several reasons I don't want her to see my ex. I don't want her to get sad. I don't want her to feel insecure. I don't want her to compare herself to her. I don't want her to get paranoid if she sees someone that resembles her in real life.
I don't know what to do because she seems a little irritated that I won't show her. I guess to her, it's no big deal. What are the reasons a girlfriend would want to see pictures of an ex? If I saw pics of my partner's ex I would get a mental image of them, or something to that effect, and not want to know anything else about the ex.
