She decided to break up with me on the day of our one year anniversary. There are several reasons that brought this on. I'm not sure what the true reason is, but this is what I can gather from talking it out with her:
1. She became too busy with school and work that she didn't want to take time for the relationship.
2. During our relationship, she noticed that there were times when it seemed like I loved her much more than she loved me based on my actions (such as how I wanted to take care of her and the lengths I would go to make her happy).
3. She feels like she's not adaptable with anyone in a relationship. So it's not just with me.
4. She feels like she doesn't deserve me because she knows that I treat her much better than she treats me. She acknowledges how she treats me badly. She claims that if she were truly in love with me she wouldn't have always tried to fight with me.
5. She was using an excuse about how I yelled at her a month ago that brought on this "falling out of love" with me. I'm not sure how valid this is because she's yelled at me 10+ times in our relationship and said many more cruel words to me. I forgave her and let it go.
6. She didn't want me to do things if she was the reason I was doing it. I wanted to move abroad permanently to be in a relationship (which I thought technically was for my own sake, but I guess since she is the other person in the relationship it's about her too..).
7. She felt a lot of pressure from me. This might relate to #6 because if I had moved abroad, she would have felt responsible for me if we had broken up. She would have felt a lot of stress and guilt. I don't think she handles stress that well.
She knows how much she's hurt me and she actually apologized which is rare for her. I cried like crazy when she wanted to break up. It didn't seem like she was sad at all about the break up. I learned that the reason for this is because we are still talking to each other. After we broke up, she said that she and I could still act as if we were still in a relationship until another girl comes into my life. I had a personal value of never keeping in touch with exes because I didn't want my future gf/wife to get paranoid or worried. I explained to her that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I think she genuinely doesn't want to have a partner during this time in her life because she has more important things to deal with such as focusing on her future career goals.
So for now, we will continue to speak as "fake lovers" so to speak. Part of me is holding onto hope even though she probably isn't thinking too much about whether or not we will be in a relationship again. I'm not sure how healthy this is for me, but I'm willing to see where this goes because it is a unique experience that I have never gone through before. I've never tried to be friends (or "fake lovers") with an ex before. The only fear that I have is being used by her. I would still be vulnerable to her if I acted as if I were stll in a relationship with her.
I have heard from some of my female friends in the past about how they didn't want to be in a relationship with someone that was right for them. One of them was dating someone who knew everything about them and took care of them so well, but she still broke up with him because she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. Another one just didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship just because she didn't want to get tied down. The guy also treated her well too.
The only thing that I can do for now is figure out what my personal goals are that I need to achieve that are independent of other people. Yup. That's a good start.
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