I am a relationship n00b.
Even though I've been in previous relationships I feel like I am a noob. So I'm here to learn from other people's experiences as well as share my own. I hope that those who view this gain a better understanding of what's happening in their own relationships because everyone deserves happiness.
The girlfriend and I always seem to get into a stupid fight on Wednesday nights. I'm not sure what the dealio is whether she's just stressed and taking out her frustrations on me or something else.
Our fight happened when I said something she thought I shouldn't have said. I didn't think it was anything wrong, but she did at the time so I sincerely apologized for it. She started yelling at me until I stood my ground and told her I wasn't going to put up with it if she was going to act immaturely. Both of us had agreed to talk to each other like mature adults whenever we got into a disagreement. After I left, she called me to talk it over. Surprisingly things were good again and she apologized for getting mad at me over nothing. That's when we both noticed our trend of regular Wednesday night fights. And the next moment she was happy again and talking to me as if nothing had happened.
One of my female friends told me that girls have these "stupid girl moments" every so often where girls do something irrationally stupid. Like getting into a fight with a boyfriend? I'm sure guys have their own "stupid guy moments" too. So I wonder if what my girlfriend did was a normal thing girls do every once in a while. I'm just amazed at how she shifted from yelling at me to talking happily with me instantaneously.
My girlfriend had a dream about her first boyfriend. Should I be worried? I don't think so.. Dreams are just dreams. ... Right?
The reason they broke up was because both of their parents forbid them from dating. She told me that out of all the exboyfriends she's had, she still likes her first boyfriend. I would have assumed that it might have been because they both were each others' firsts... As in sexual partners first. My girlfriend reassured me that it wasn't the case and that it was probably because they were broken up by their parents. Part of her regrets what happened. They no longer speak to each other. Since they broke up, both of them have moved on with their lives. Dating other people and so forth. The main thing is that they don't speak to each other so I shouldn't have anything to worry about.... But it still bugs a little.
I have this worry that maybe her first boyfriend, or any of her exboyfriends for that matter, might return and steal her away from me. My girlfriend has similar worries that the girls that I have liked who have never liked me back might one day like me and steal me away from her. I highly doubt that would happen because of my specialty in becoming friend zoned for life. I feel like I have more to worry about because with ex-signficant others, they already have gotten comfy and vulnerable with each other. It wouldn't be a blind leap of faith to return to relationship status. They both would remember how it was.
I'm jealous how some people are lucky enough to find a significant other at a young age and experience all the firsts that come with being in a relationship. I've always wanted that, but I feel that the ship has sailed and there's no way I'll ever be able to experience the exciting firsts that come with living through a relationship the very first time around. So I guess in a sense, the worry I have for my girlfriend's exboyfriends returning could really be feelings of jealous insecurities for how lucky she's been able to live her life with the experiences she's had.
Acceptance of someone's past is likely to be related to the personal security of the individual learning about the past. Security only comes from within. In my first relationship, I couldn't accept my girlfriend's past. It had to do in part that she was currently best friends with her first boyfriend. It was the person she first had sex with. It was an insecurity issue because of the fact they shared something special. It was something I had always wanted to experience which was being each other's firsts. I have this screwed up, naive, idealistic fantasy about wanting to be each other's firsts (in basically everything..) with my significant other. That's not the reality we live in. If anything, the time for being someone's first has passed for me unless I wanted to try to date some 18 year old. Even then, these days young people have already experienced a lot by that age.
I am back together again with my girlfriend in Asia. In about a month, I'll be living with her in our own apartment. We haven't gotten into any stupid fights since we started talking again. She has definitely matured and realizes the importance of talking out our issues if we have any. We've bonded more and I feel that we have gotten closer. We're both happy.
Just recently, my girlfriend wanted to tell me about her past, but she was hesitant about it. Only a select few in her life know about it. She was afraid for me to learn about whatever this piece of information might be. She kept repeating to me before we ended our conversation, "I'm a bad person. I'm bad..." I honestly don't know how I would react if she told me. I know what I need to do if she ever tells me. I need to accept whatever it is and have my feelings remain the same for her. I don't know if I've really grown to become mature enough to cope with her past...
As Silk Spectre from "The Watchmen" said, "People's lives take them strange places. They do strange things, and...well, sometimes they can't talk about them." I feel like I need to know about whatever happened in her past. If I don't, I might as well be deaf, blind, and dumb. I know that I have to reassure her that everything will be okay if she tells me about her past. I'll give her some time to tell me when she feels completely comfortable with it.
And.. I think I'm in love with her. To me, when you're in love with someone you have to accept them completely. But first I feel that you have to know everything about them including their past history whether it's previous relationships or significant life events. All of this could be just my perfectionistic tendencies torturing me... So what do I do?
The ex from Asia and I are talking again. Prior to that we tried to speak to each other normally as friends again, but it didn't work out. I had to take the initiative to cut contact with her because I thought it was in our best interests to move on with our lives. I thought that completely ignoring her by not responding to her calls, emails, and messages was the best way to go. But then I realized that I'm not a jerk like that.
There was one last option that I haven't yet done which was to set conditions and boundaries about how we would interact with each other. So that's what happened. It worked. We spoke to each other as friends again. Through this we bonded and learned more about each other. Somehow we slowly started becoming attracted to each other again. We got along so much better as friends.
An important characteristic that I noticed about her is how she treats her friends better than her boyfriend. She realizes this about herself though I'm not sure if she's doing anything to change it or if she accepts that fact about herself. I know that I am the type of person to treat my girlfriend better than anything else in the world. This difference between her and me might be the root of the issues that we had.
She and I have begun speaking to each other as if we were in a relationship again. It's still a little complicated. And it seems as though she wants me to do something romantic for her if I ask her to be in a relationship. This is kind of ridiculous to me considering she was the one who broke up with me to begin with. She was the one who admitted to still liking me after we broke up. She hasn't done anything spectacular to redeem herself after what she did to me.
I found super cheap round trip tickets to Asia last week and I'm going back to see her. I'm not going just for her. I have been seeking an opportunity to live abroad for a while. Maybe I'm stupid for giving her a second chance. Part of me feels like this is possibly the best it's going to be for me in terms of a relationship. I can barely hang on to a friendship. Seems like all the women who I'm attracted to or who seem to be good for me are taken or not attracted to me. And if there is someone who truly likes me and accepts me for who I am, why not give it a shot? I'm too weary of this whole relationship journey.
This weekend I took some time for myself to relax, reflect, and declutter different aspects of my life. Valentine's Day was just like a regular day for me. Nothing special at all. And I was okay with that.
Lately I have been trying not to think too much about relationships. I'm not sure what it is, but I start feeling a headache coming on if I remotely think or see anything related to intimate relationships. That's why I started using Datingish less. I don't really want to read about people's relationship problems. I definitely had my share of relationship issues when I was in my last relationship. I must be uber worn out from that or something.
One of my female friends from Asia who worked with my ex told me that they had a reunion this past weekend. My friend was one of the people I used to go to for advice about relationships. I figured if I spoke to her about it she would be able to help me understand their culture better. My friend doesn't really speak to my ex too often so it was surprising when she told me how nice my ex was when they spoke this weekend. So then I was thinking... Maybe my ex was the type of person to be nice to everyone, but suck at being in a relationship. (Ow. Brain pains..) Those types of people out there exist right?
The girl I asked to dinner and said yes still hasn't responded. I don't really care anymore. I noticed on the Facebook feed that she filled out the oh so popular "25 Random Things About Me" thing. As it turns out, she seems like a jerkface. I'm not just saying this to talk smack about her because I'm not. Some of the things she wrote about surprised me. Sometimes the more you get to know a person, the more you realize how much of a stranger they really are. One of the items was how she doesn't like confrontations which is probably why she never got back to me. And that's one sign that it would never work out since the most important thing about a relationship is communication. Confrontations aren't necessarily a bad, negative, evil thing. It can help people overcome an obstacle and become closer with each other.
So that's pretty much what's been up with me. Hope everyone is doing well.
