relationshipnoob's Datingish

We Broke Up Again

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 01:33:43 GMT

She decided to break up with me on the day of our one year anniversary. There are several reasons that brought this on. I'm not sure what the true reason is, but this is what I can gather from talking it out with her:

1. She became too busy with school and work that she didn't want to take time for the relationship.

2. During our relationship, she noticed that there were times when it seemed like I loved her much more than she loved me based on my actions (such as how I wanted to take care of her and the lengths I would go to make her happy).

3. She feels like she's not adaptable with anyone in a relationship. So it's not just with me.

4. She feels like she doesn't deserve me because she knows that I treat her much better than she treats me. She acknowledges how she treats me badly. She claims that if she were truly in love with me she wouldn't have always tried to fight with me.

5. She was using an excuse about how I yelled at her a month ago that brought on this "falling out of love" with me. I'm not sure how valid this is because she's yelled at me 10+ times in our relationship and said many more cruel words to me. I forgave her and let it go.

6. She didn't want me to do things if she was the reason I was doing it. I wanted to move abroad permanently to be in a relationship (which I thought technically was for my own sake, but I guess since she is the other person in the relationship it's about her too..).

7. She felt a lot of pressure from me. This might relate to #6 because if I had moved abroad, she would have felt responsible for me if we had broken up. She would have felt a lot of stress and guilt. I don't think she handles stress that well.

She knows how much she's hurt me and she actually apologized which is rare for her. I cried like crazy when she wanted to break up. It didn't seem like she was sad at all about the break up. I learned that the reason for this is because we are still talking to each other. After we broke up, she said that she and I could still act as if we were still in a relationship until another girl comes into my life. I had a personal value of never keeping in touch with exes because I didn't want my future gf/wife to get paranoid or worried. I explained to her that I didn't want to be with anyone else. I think she genuinely doesn't want to have a partner during this time in her life because she has more important things to deal with such as focusing on her future career goals.

So for now, we will continue to speak as "fake lovers" so to speak. Part of me is holding onto hope even though she probably isn't thinking too much about whether or not we will be in a relationship again. I'm not sure how healthy this is for me, but I'm willing to see where this goes because it is a unique experience that I have never gone through before. I've never tried to be friends (or "fake lovers") with an ex before. The only fear that I have is being used by her. I would still be vulnerable to her if I acted as if I were stll in a relationship with her.

I have heard from some of my female friends in the past about how they didn't want to be in a relationship with someone that was right for them. One of them was dating someone who knew everything about them and took care of them so well, but she still broke up with him because she didn't feel like she was in love with him anymore. Another one just didn't want to be in a monogamous relationship just because she didn't want to get tied down. The guy also treated her well too.

The only thing that I can do for now is figure out what my personal goals are that I need to achieve that are independent of other people. Yup. That's a good start.

What if? Life w/o the S/O

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 17:02:33 GMT

Ha. It appears nobody reads this anymore since I have neglected to continue writing in this on a consistent basis.

As of late, the basis of my life decisions have been because of HER. I want to move to Asia permanently to be with her. Technically it's my own motivation to be with her since I know for a fact that being in a relationship is all I have ever wanted. I haven't dated much and that's probably why I've fought so hard to make this relationship work. Right now she's busy with a lot of her own work and academic activities so it's hard to find a time when we can both talk. We both know that each of us has our own life/future/planning productive things to do.

I have been doing some thinking lately about how it would be like if I didn't have a partner. Would I still want to go live abroad to teach English? Perhaps. It's what I wanted prior to graduating college. But now I'm seeing a lot of my friends from college moving towards graduate school or starting a career. I feel like I'm left behind. The naive thought would be "having a girlfriend will make everything better" but that isn't true. I need to take care of myself and make sure my own needs are met independently from her.

I was reflecting upon how it was when I was single for four years before I entered this relationship. I found my source of motivation through a few good friends. When they weren't available I found inspiration from quotes and useful advice I would read from blogs. So it would seem that I need to return to the basics of taking care of myself and I did just that. There's plenty of things on my to do list that needs to get done. Realistically, I can't always listen to my feelings no matter how difficult it is not to give in. I have to do what is necessary to ensure my own survival and hopefully in the future my survival plus one or more (a wifey and kids?).

I think it's always good to go back to the basics if you're lost. Regain some focus and discipline. Figure out what's really important. And do your best to accomplish the goal(s).

Future Ambitions Based on Partner

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 19:50:20 GMT

So here's the jist of what happened to me the past few months:

- Went to Asia to be with the GF for a couple months... Some stupid fights in between
- Realized I needed to come back to the US to take care of my own life stuff
- LDRing it with the GF again
- Still trying to figure out my life

Her mom found out that she's dating a foreigner and said that I need to prove that I can take care of her. It's most likely that I will have to move to Asia if I see this relationship lasting foreverish. I'm willing to make a permanent move outside of the country. But how does that go along with my own plans?

I'm not sure.

Right now I'm narrowing down my career options so that hopefully I can go to graduate school and be successful in... something. I know that if you go to graduate school, you have to be passionate and really want to study whatever you study. I am also wondering how that will go along with having this relationship. I have to be able to support her. I feel like I have to gain some US experience that will be transferable to something I could do if I move to Asia. The only thing I can think of is ESL teaching.

Friends have told me that I should pursue what I want to pursue regardless of anybody else. I have some friends that have experienced how it's like to live solely through their partner and regretted not focusing enough on their life. I should probably learn from their mistakes although I have never been in a year or longer relationship so far. The only thing I know for certain is that I have always wanted a relationship with someone. I need to have that similar type of want for graduate school if I continue my education. It's such a pain trying to figure it all out.

Halfway Around the World with the GF

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 14:31:01 GMT

I'm currently in Asia with my girlfriend that I have often talked about in this blog. I've been here for about a month and a half. It took us about a month to adjust to being into a close distance relationship as opposed to our long distance relationship in which we used webcam chat to keep in touch. I think we were both too used to having our freedom that it took us a while to adjust to being in close proximity with each other. There was also culture differences that we had to adapt to. I am handicapped here because I am not familiar with the area and I am not fluent in speaking or reading the native language. I have to greatly depend on my girlfriend to help me out which has taken a toll on her as well. She has school and her own life to deal with and now she has me on top of her responsibilities.

During the first month we had huge fights every two weeks. She acted immaturely and childishly when I tried to calmly talk to her to figure out the situation to fix it. There was one week when I couldn't take her bratty behavior and wanted to break up with her which further upset her. At that time I felt as if I reached my limit of dealing with her immaturity. Upon further research, I realized that how she acted was normal in her culture. The females in her culture act around 10 years younger than their current again. They can act cute and sweet in public, but transform to a raging monster in private. It's kind of scary. I guess that means I should man up some more huh? Ha. She's not always an angry person in private. We do enjoy ourselves. Soberly, too, which is pretty awesome. We feel like kids again.

One morning I woke up with a skin disease which resulted from stress, frustration, and anxiety (verified from a doctor and feeling better now after taking meds). I'm pretty sure that the gf partially caused it. I had a friend tell me that every time my girlfriend call me I looked very anxious. That was because I was afraid I might say something wrong and make her mad. All the stupid fights and blame on me definitely contributed to the skin disease..

I've sought counsel from close friends. Some of them tell me that I don't deserve to put up with the stuff my girlfriend puts me through. My side of this is that it was difficult enough for me to even get into a relationship especially with my "nice guy" label. Part of me feels like having this opportunity to be in a relationship is one of those very rare opportunities in life. It begs the question whether it's really worth hanging onto a (somewhat?) unhealthy relationship or be miserably alone.

I'm heading back to the states in a couple weeks because I couldn't find a job around here. Plus it's better for her if I'm gone because she has work, a leadership role, and her last year of school which she needs to hardcore focus on. We won't permanently be an LDR. An internet marriage would be riduclous.

GF Wants To See Ex-GF Pic

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 07:38:31 GMT

My girlfriend wants to see a picture of my first and only ex-girlfriend. Initially I thought it was no big deal. I wanted to show her when I was in person with her in Asia. But then through other interactions with it, she appeared to be sad if I mentioned anything about my ex. I realized that it might be okay not to discuss exes in some relationships.

So here I am in Asia now. She and I are currently living together and it's been fine for the most part. Today she brought up the thing about wanting to see a picture of my ex. I told her that I didn't want to anymore. There's no sense in getting sad from partners of the past who don't matter anymore. Especially since I no longer speak and no longer want to have anything to do with my ex. My girlfriend still insisted to see a picture of my ex.

There are several reasons I don't want her to see my ex. I don't want her to get sad. I don't want her to feel insecure. I don't want her to compare herself to her. I don't want her to get paranoid if she sees someone that resembles her in real life.

I don't know what to do because she seems a little irritated that I won't show her. I guess to her, it's no big deal. What are the reasons a girlfriend would want to see pictures of an ex? If I saw pics of my partner's ex I would get a mental image of them, or something to that effect, and not want to know anything else about the ex.

"Stupid Girl Moments"

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 15:43:00 GMT

The girlfriend and I always seem to get into a stupid fight on Wednesday nights. I'm not sure what the dealio is whether she's just stressed and taking out her frustrations on me or something else.

Our fight happened when I said something she thought I shouldn't have said. I didn't think it was anything wrong, but she did at the time so I sincerely apologized for it. She started yelling at me until I stood my ground and told her I wasn't going to put up with it if she was going to act immaturely. Both of us had agreed to talk to each other like mature adults whenever we got into a disagreement. After I left, she called me to talk it over. Surprisingly things were good again and she apologized for getting mad at me over nothing. That's when we both noticed our trend of regular Wednesday night fights. And the next moment she was happy again and talking to me as if nothing had happened.

One of my female friends told me that girls have these "stupid girl moments" every so often where girls do something irrationally stupid. Like getting into a fight with a boyfriend? I'm sure guys have their own "stupid guy moments" too. So I wonder if what my girlfriend did was a normal thing girls do every once in a while. I'm just amazed at how she shifted from yelling at me to talking happily with me instantaneously.

Firsts

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 21:46:52 GMT

My girlfriend had a dream about her first boyfriend. Should I be worried? I don't think so.. Dreams are just dreams. ... Right?

The reason they broke up was because both of their parents forbid them from dating. She told me that out of all the exboyfriends she's had, she still likes her first boyfriend. I would have assumed that it might have been because they both were each others' firsts... As in sexual partners first. My girlfriend reassured me that it wasn't the case and that it was probably because they were broken up by their parents. Part of her regrets what happened. They no longer speak to each other. Since they broke up, both of them have moved on with their lives. Dating other people and so forth. The main thing is that they don't speak to each other so I shouldn't have anything to worry about.... But it still bugs a little.

I have this worry that maybe her first boyfriend, or any of her exboyfriends for that matter, might return and steal her away from me. My girlfriend has similar worries that the girls that I have liked who have never liked me back might one day like me and steal me away from her. I highly doubt that would happen because of my specialty in becoming friend zoned for life. I feel like I have more to worry about because with ex-signficant others, they already have gotten comfy and vulnerable with each other. It wouldn't be a blind leap of faith to return to relationship status. They both would remember how it was.

I'm jealous how some people are lucky enough to find a significant other at a young age and experience all the firsts that come with being in a relationship. I've always wanted that, but I feel that the ship has sailed and there's no way I'll ever be able to experience the exciting firsts that come with living through a relationship the very first time around. So I guess in a sense, the worry I have for my girlfriend's exboyfriends returning could really be feelings of jealous insecurities for how lucky she's been able to live her life with the experiences she's had.

Everyone Has A Past

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:24:03 GMT

Acceptance of someone's past is likely to be related to the personal security of the individual learning about the past. Security only comes from within. In my first relationship, I couldn't accept my girlfriend's past. It had to do in part that she was currently best friends with her first boyfriend. It was the person she first had sex with. It was an insecurity issue because of the fact they shared something special. It was something I had always wanted to experience which was being each other's firsts. I have this screwed up, naive, idealistic fantasy about wanting to be each other's firsts (in basically everything..) with my significant other. That's not the reality we live in. If anything, the time for being someone's first has passed for me unless I wanted to try to date some 18 year old. Even then, these days young people have already experienced a lot by that age.

I am back together again with my girlfriend in Asia. In about a month, I'll be living with her in our own apartment. We haven't gotten into any stupid fights since we started talking again. She has definitely matured and realizes the importance of talking out our issues if we have any. We've bonded more and I feel that we have gotten closer. We're both happy.

Just recently, my girlfriend wanted to tell me about her past, but she was hesitant about it. Only a select few in her life know about it. She was afraid for me to learn about whatever this piece of information might be. She kept repeating to me before we ended our conversation, "I'm a bad person. I'm bad..." I honestly don't know how I would react if she told me. I know what I need to do if she ever tells me. I need to accept whatever it is and have my feelings remain the same for her. I don't know if I've really grown to become mature enough to cope with her past...

As Silk Spectre from "The Watchmen" said, "People's lives take them strange places. They do strange things, and...well, sometimes they can't talk about them." I feel like I need to know about whatever happened in her past. If I don't, I might as well be deaf, blind, and dumb. I know that I have to reassure her that everything will be okay if she tells me about her past. I'll give her some time to tell me when she feels completely comfortable with it.

And.. I think I'm in love with her. To me, when you're in love with someone you have to accept them completely. But first I feel that you have to know everything about them including their past history whether it's previous relationships or significant life events. All of this could be just my perfectionistic tendencies torturing me... So what do I do?

Relationship Status: "It's Complicated"

Sat, 14 Mar 2009 02:21:57 GMT

The ex from Asia and I are talking again. Prior to that we tried to speak to each other normally as friends again, but it didn't work out. I had to take the initiative to cut contact with her because I thought it was in our best interests to move on with our lives. I thought that completely ignoring her by not responding to her calls, emails, and messages was the best way to go. But then I realized that I'm not a jerk like that.

There was one last option that I haven't yet done which was to set conditions and boundaries about how we would interact with each other. So that's what happened. It worked. We spoke to each other as friends again. Through this we bonded and learned more about each other. Somehow we slowly started becoming attracted to each other again. We got along so much better as friends.

An important characteristic that I noticed about her is how she treats her friends better than her boyfriend. She realizes this about herself though I'm not sure if she's doing anything to change it or if she accepts that fact about herself. I know that I am the type of person to treat my girlfriend better than anything else in the world. This difference between her and me might be the root of the issues that we had.

She and I have begun speaking to each other as if we were in a relationship again. It's still a little complicated. And it seems as though she wants me to do something romantic for her if I ask her to be in a relationship. This is kind of ridiculous to me considering she was the one who broke up with me to begin with. She was the one who admitted to still liking me after we broke up. She hasn't done anything spectacular to redeem herself after what she did to me.

I found super cheap round trip tickets to Asia last week and I'm going back to see her. I'm not going just for her. I have been seeking an opportunity to live abroad for a while. Maybe I'm stupid for giving her a second chance. Part of me feels like this is possibly the best it's going to be for me in terms of a relationship. I can barely hang on to a friendship. Seems like all the women who I'm attracted to or who seem to be good for me are taken or not attracted to me. And if there is someone who truly likes me and accepts me for who I am, why not give it a shot? I'm too weary of this whole relationship journey.

Happy "That's What She Said" Day

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 04:20:07 GMT

This weekend I took some time for myself to relax, reflect, and declutter different aspects of my life. Valentine's Day was just like a regular day for me. Nothing special at all. And I was okay with that.

Lately I have been trying not to think too much about relationships. I'm not sure what it is, but I start feeling a headache coming on if I remotely think or see anything related to intimate relationships. That's why I started using Datingish less. I don't really want to read about people's relationship problems. I definitely had my share of relationship issues when I was in my last relationship. I must be uber worn out from that or something.

One of my female friends from Asia who worked with my ex told me that they had a reunion this past weekend. My friend was one of the people I used to go to for advice about relationships. I figured if I spoke to her about it she would be able to help me understand their culture better. My friend doesn't really speak to my ex too often so it was surprising when she told me how nice my ex was when they spoke this weekend. So then I was thinking... Maybe my ex was the type of person to be nice to everyone, but suck at being in a relationship. (Ow. Brain pains..) Those types of people out there exist right?

The girl I asked to dinner and said yes still hasn't responded. I don't really care anymore. I noticed on the Facebook feed that she filled out the oh so popular "25 Random Things About Me" thing. As it turns out, she seems like a jerkface. I'm not just saying this to talk smack about her because I'm not. Some of the things she wrote about surprised me. Sometimes the more you get to know a person, the more you realize how much of a stranger they really are. One of the items was how she doesn't like confrontations which is probably why she never got back to me. And that's one sign that it would never work out since the most important thing about a relationship is communication. Confrontations aren't necessarily a bad, negative, evil thing. It can help people overcome an obstacle and become closer with each other.

So that's pretty much what's been up with me. Hope everyone is doing well.